


Tales of Mordland

by lunasalsal



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Gen, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-19 00:45:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7337800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunasalsal/pseuds/lunasalsal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People of Mordland tell the stories of the past and present.</p><p>This story doesn’t follow the original canon and timeline of the series, changes and differences will be explained as chapters go by.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tales of Mordland

 

I know I had already lived a decade and a half by that point but it wasn’t until a particular moment that my life truly began. This is the story of that moment.

It was the mid-late 90’s, weird shit was going on and music wasn’t as good as it used to be, but that didn’t stop me from going to a huge glam rock concert with my girlfriend at the time named… – What? Oh God what was her name? – Anyways, she was just one of those cheerleaders I used to hook up with all the time, believe or not before the media started calling me ‘the fattest vocalist alive’ and saying I was an old piece of shit I used to get laid all the time – Now they only go down on me because I’m rich and famous – Even though back then I was a minor and most of the time I didn’t know what I was doing, I was the captain of the football team – And by that I mean “American football” – The entire cheerleader team used to throw themselves at my feet, high school wasn’t as shitty in that aspect.

I had a fake ID I used all the time to go to bars and strip clubs, back then I only hanged out with goths because I thought everyone else were lame regular jackoffs, at the end I wasn’t wrong about that but that isn’t the point – Yes, there were goths in the late 90’s and they were way better than the early 2000’s emos – There was a lot of underage drinking and partying and running away from cops, shit was brutal as fuck, it helped build up my character, I got into a lot of fist fights and learned that violence was always the answer, and since people were always trying to mess with me, I couldn’t let them walk away just like that, while I do regret some of the things I did back in the day I think overall they were very good experiences that helped me grow and mature as a person and all that emotional gay shit.

I had already dropped out high school at that point, I wanted to get out of my parents’ house and live on my own, not that they ever treated me badly but they weren’t very pleased I abandoned my studies and they were starting to get really annoying. I was doing my best to move through the crowd, I’ve had a few drinks and I was starting to get kind of tipsy, the music was extremely loud and so were the people singing and yelling around me, it was hard to see, heard, and breathe, I couldn’t even listen to my own thoughts around all that noise – Those were the perfect ingredients for a disastrous autistic meltdown, why didn’t my undying rage possess me at that moment you ask? – Because then I just happened to meet the man that changed my life.

Big red hair, like fire, like a lion mane, his pale skin illuminated by the rainbow lights of the stage, his thin naked shoulders full of glitter and freckles, his body covered in animal print and spandex, purple winged eyeliner.

I saw him there and I swear I thought he was everything I ever wanted, everything I ever _needed_.

My insecurities and anxiety were gone, I could do anything, I could climb all over that annoying crowd and wrap him around my arms. I could become the successful musician I always wanted to be, travel all around the world, drinking and laughing with him on my side.

I already knew him, the only reason I decided to go to that concert was because I was told he will be there, he was the vocalist and guitarist of the famous glam rock band Snakes n Barrels, and this was the first time I ever saw him in something other than pictures and videos.

He didn't ever look at me, he was too busy running and dancing around the stage, why would he have cared about a regular jackoff like I was at the time? I was young and naïve, I didn’t know how to do anything yet and I had nothing planned for my future.

I didn’t know where my girlfriend went after I laid my gaze on that beautiful man on the stage, in fact I’m sure I never saw her again after that, it didn’t matter, I didn’t care.

I didn’t have access to backstage that time, I couldn’t speak to him, or even let him know that I existed.

And, actually, I’m glad I didn’t, I’m sure if I had talked to him that day I would have ended up embarrassing myself, I was truly pathetic back then and I’m glad Pickles didn’t get to meet me yet.

But, the morning after concert, alone in my room accompanied with nothing but my voice recorder and a notepad, I wrote the first love song of the many that were yet to come.

 

* * *

 

The five members of Dethklok were reunited on the main living room, sitting comfortably on the big couch, they had just finished watching a short animation about how Nathan Explosion met Pickles, the visuals were wonderful and the narration, made by Nathan Explosion, was surprisingly decent.

“Wait, so you had the hots for Pickles?” Said Murderface with his characteristic lisp, he had been sleeping through most of the story but had conveniently waken up when Nathan called Pickles ‘Beautiful’ and ‘Everything he wanted and needed’.

“Dude, that ams gay.” Said Toki as he giggled slightly, joke’s on him, he was the only gay in the room.

“Don’t tell me you guys never had a crush on Pickles back when he was on his glam years?” Nathan asked, he wasn’t ashamed to admit his attraction to men, especially to Pickles, the man was extremely attractive, particularly when he was younger…  And still had hair.

Murderface shut his mouth, scratching the back of his neck, cheeks slightly blushed and palms slightly sweaty, he couldn’t lie but he didn’t want to admit it either, Glam Rock Era Pickles had been one of his first crushes, but no one needed to know that.

 “Nopes!” Toki exclaimed “He was too ecks-travagant for my tastes back thens, I prefers the modern Pickle!” The guitarist couldn't have been more honest if he tried. Pickles rest his head on the Scandinavian man’s muscular shoulder as he laughed, the redhead was clearly intoxicated and had no idea what was going on.

Nathan and Murderface looked at Toki as if he were just as intoxicated as the drummer, deep down they knew he was completely sober, but they just couldn’t understand how the man that was being labeled as the hottest celebrity of the year could prefer the old bald mess that was the present Pickles over the Snakes and Barrel’s Pickles, a well-known 80’s sex symbol.

“What? He ams cuter and simpler nows!” Toki said as he wrapped one of his toned arms around the drummer’s thin freckled shoulders.

Skwisgaar stood up from the couch rapidly, there was a huge frown on his face and he was tightly clenching his fists, his eyes shining with the blue fire of true rage, maybe Nathan and Murderface didn’t mind watching Toki and Pickles act like the cutest lovebirds of the year but the image was way more than the swede could endure, he grabbed his guitar and stormed out of the room, the sound of his guitar could be heard already, he always played it compulsively when he was stressed and needed to calm down.

The other four stared at him leaving, Murderface and Pickles were confused, the latter more because he still had no idea where he was or what was going on, Nathan’s gaze showed genuine concern, Toki’s glance was a strange mixture of anger and mockery, but he quickly got rid of it and went back to his innocent happy look before anyone noticed.

“So, Pickle, how dids _you_ meet Nathans?” The rhythm guitarist refused to acknowledge the fact the lead one wasn’t in the room anymore and decided to act like nothing happened, turning to look at the half-sleeping drummer who was still resting against his shoulder.

The redhead shifted his position, scratched his neck and rubbed his eyes to make he was actually awake, and licked his lips a few times before finally saying “Well…”

**Author's Note:**

> Nope, this is not a Metalocalypse version of How I Met Your Mother.


End file.
